shayke8

Haven't been active in here for a long time, so I thought I'd just refresh my journal
I don't have anything to say though... I'll try to think of something later. 

I felt like updating my journal even though I don't really have something to say, but it's been a while since I wrote here.
So hello.
It's still January so I'm allowed to say this: HAPPY 2016!

2015 ended kinda weird for me, mainly because I had my first kiss (just gonna throw the date here so I have something to reflect on- 23 Dec 2015, at around 23:45), which is weird, considering what I believe I am (an asexual). I'm not sure I can claim I am or am not one. I was kinda indifferent towards this kiss, I didn't feel disgusted nor did I particularly enjoy it, and I like the guy I kissed so I don't think that that was the problem, if there is one. And now I'm analyzing myself too much and it's not helping, and I think me analyzing myself my whole life is what's causing so many problems and omg now I'm doing it again so I'll just stop. Anyway, we don't really know what we are now. I think we're dating. I mean, we were on a date (on January 8th) that was really nice. We had breakfast at a cute cafe and than we had a Pakal (which is when you sit somewhere outside in the nature, and make coffee or tea using a portable burner) we sat in an open field that had lots of flowers and near some remains of a really old structure and we were gonna make coffee but then we realized we forgot to bring water. Which was funny and stupid, but it didn't ruin anything cause we still had fun.
Sorry if I'm a little bit all over the place. It's been a while since I wrote anything in English.
Anyway. That's that.
After that I took the train and I met a french guy and he needed help getting to a place - the same one I was going, so I suggested he'd stick with me and we ended up talking the whole ride. He was really nice and we had a weird, deep conversation. Not one you make with someone you just met. And then when I got off the train I met a friend and I gave him a ride home. I mean, he's not really a friend as much as someone that had a lot of influence on me. He's a bit older and I used to look up to him and I adore him so much.

Okay. I'm done. I needed to write this down. Don't know why. Maybe because it was an interesting, different day and I want to remember it.

EDIT;
can't believe I forgot to mention I'd been in Barcelona! And it was amazing. I'm definitely gonna come back there again. No doubt. 

A few hours ago, a mother and a father were killed by a terrorist, driving their car, in front of their four children (ages 9, 7, 4, 4 months).

When would death be out of the ordinary? When will I be able to hear these words and not believe that this has happened yet again?

A man named Tommy Lapid wrote something a long time ago. I'll leave it here in Hebrew, and do my best to translate it.

פעמים אני חושב בלבי, איך זה לחיות בניו-זילנד. להיוולד באי באוקיינוס במדינה שקשה לאתר על המפה. לגדול בעיירה מנומנמת שרעפיה אדומים, לטייל בשדה ירוק ולהתבונן באיכר הגוזז כבשה לבנה. לגדול בבית שסבא בנה אותו, להיות נכד של סבא שמת מיתה טבעית, ללמוד היסטוריה של 220 שנה מתוך ספר ארוך ודק, לשאוב יין מתוך חבית במרתף, במרתף שאינו מקלט. להיות ניו-זילנדי ולתכנן בביטחון תוכניות ל-5 שנים מראש. לעקוב בחרדה אחר גורלה של קבוצת כדורגל מקומית, להתגייס לצבא קבע כי אין צבא חובה ולהתפטר מהצבא תוך שאיפה לחיים שיש בהם קצת מתח.

לקרוא עיתון בניו-זילנד ולא להבין את המתרחש בארץ הקודש, מדוע נהרגים בני אדם על כל שעל אדמה צחיחה, כאשר העולם הוא גדול והחיים יקרים? להאמין כי בני האדם אחים הם וכי עם קצת רצון טוב ניתן להסדיר כל בעיה אנושית. להיות ניו-זילנדי ולדעת כי תותח יורה רק ביום הולדתה של מלכת בריטניה, לדעת כי רימון הוא פרי המשאיר כתם על בגד לבן, לדעת כי שק שינה נועד לטיולים, כי אלמנה היא אישה זקנה וכאשר הורה מספר על בנו שנפל, לשאול אותו אם הבן לא נחבל. להיות ניו-זילנדי קטן, המסתגר בד' אמותיו, ואינו שותף בשום חוויה קוסמית, ואינו ערב לשום איש, ואיש אינו ערב לו. להיות ניו-זילנדי קטן שהחתולים אינם נכנסים בו ורעשים אינם חודרים אליו. אלוקים! שבחרתנו מכל העמים, אינני בא אליך בטענות, אני מקבל את הדין בהכנעה, באהבה, בגאווה, לא הייתי מחליף את ירושלים בוושינגטון, ואת החיים הקשים בישראל בחיים קלים יותר בשום מקום אחר עלי האדמות. זוהי ארצי, המולדת של ילדי, זה גורלנו ונוכל לו אבל אל תכעס, ריבונו של עולם, אם אני לפעמים מהרהר בלבי: האמנם זה צודק שבניו- זילנד מתים משעמום?

Often I think to myself, what it is like to live in New Zealand. To be born on an island in the ocean, in a country that is difficult to find on a map. To grow up in a sleepy town with red rooftops; to walk in a green field and watch a farmer shearing a white sheep. To grow up in a house that a grandfather built; to be the grandson of a grandfather who died of natural causes; to learn history of 220 years from a long, thin book; to draw wine from a barrel in the basement - a basement that is not a shelter. To be a New Zealander and peacefully plan the next 5 years. To worry only about a local soccer team. To join the standing service in the army, because there is no mandatory service - and quit it in hope for a life that has little tension.
To read a newspaper in New Zealand and not understand what's going on in the Holy Land; why are people being killed on a barren land, when the world is big and life is precious? To believe that humans are brothers, and that with a bit of a good will, we can sort out every human problem. To be a New Zealander and know that a cannon fires only for the birthday of the Queen of England; to know that a grenade is just a fruit that leaves stains on white clothing. To know that sleeping bags are only made for camping, and that a widow is just an old woman; and when a parent tells that his son fell, ask him if his son is okay. To be a little New Zealander, that closes up within his own world; that doesn't take part in any cosmic experience; that doesn't care and doesn't expect anyone to care for him.
God, who "chose us from all nations" - I do not come with complaints to you. I accept the burden wholeheartedly, with pride. I would not exchange Jerusalem with Washington, or the hard life in Israel with a simpler life in any other place. This is my land, the homeland of my children; this is our fate. But don't be upset, dear God, if sometimes I think to myself, could it be right that the people of New Zealand die of boredom?  

I think this speaks for itself. Hope I translated it well enough to send the message. It sounds better in Hebrew though.
By the way, just to clear it out - it is not meant in any way to offend New Zealand nor its' people.

*right now I'm listening to the song: גיטרה וכינור - אריק איינשטיין 
(for some reason I can't write in Hebrew in the "listening to" section)

I think I just have to get this out of my system. I'm just going to say it.
I am asexual.

I want to share my experience with it, simply because I need to make it more real and I feel like writing about it would help me.

I've always felt like I was different from everyone. I've watched movies and TV shows that showed these beautiful couples who loved each other, and they kissed and they were happy and I wanted that so much. 
But just recently, having a guy friend that was interested in me for a long time, I completly got it. That I find sexual relationships disgusting. That the idea of sex repulses me beyond measure. I cannot understand it and I don't want to experience it. 
A few weeks ago I talked to a friend of mine, she's bi, and I don't remember what exactly we talked about but at one point I just said "yeah, it's because I'm asexual..." etc, etc, etc. And suddenly I realized I said it, and I realized it's true, because up until that moment I never even thought about it, let alone known that that was what I am. And just now I've watched a video of some french girl and she talked about her experience with it and it was like hearing my feelings with someone else's words.

The thing is, most people don't even know what Asexuality is. Worse than that, people think it's not real. I'll admit it has various definitions, which could be confusing. Mine is that I dont want to have sexual interaction with anyone, but I do fall in love with guys. I do feel the need for intimacy, but my idea of intimacy is different from that of a sexual person's. Intimacy for me is talking to someone for hours, eating together at a resturant, maybe hugging sometimes. Another problem might be that I'm 19 and I've never been in love. Or rather, now that I think about it, I have been in love, just not in the way that everyone else feel it. Wow, this is an epiphany for me. Writing this, I just realized it. See? I knew wririntg will help me. From a very young age, I remember I've been in love, but it is a differnet kind of love. I didn't want to kiss them, I just wanted to look at them and talk to them, and nothing more. And that is exactly what love is, to me. I remember thinking that I should kiss them, because that's what I saw on TV, but I didn't really understand it, and going into high school, I didn't even want it.
For the longest time, I thought it was a phase. Or that something's wrong with me. And I convinced myself that once I'm in a relationship with a good guy who cares about me, it'll be easy. But then I remember about all those things that repulse me and I understand that I do not want that. 

It's hard. For instance now I have a major crush on someone, he's 22 and he has a girlfriend and I'm freaking jealous of her, but at the same time, I know I wouldn't want to be in her place. It's like I want to feel someone love me and to have them with me, just not in the way that other people want each other.

I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself so much. I think that maybe I'm still trying to reassure myself of what I feel. Because sometimes I still wonder if it's really what I am, or if it's because I feel uncomfortable with myself, or afraid of something, or I don't know. And then I remember that it's just a label. "Asexuality" is the word I decided fits the way I feel, but really, I'm more than a label, and it really is just a word and I'm not bound to it. Yes, I identify with asexuality, but maybe it can change, maybe I'll change, maybe my definition of it change, or maybe not. I can just as easily say that I don't want to be in physical relationships and maybe in the future it'll change, I don't know. I'm not bound to this label, or to definitions, not even my own. I'm just a person.
Ugh. Whatever. 

I feel so much better now. This was a good idea.

~

I can't think of a favourite quote, but watch this: Watchtower of Turkey 
I watch this video at least 3 times a day and I can't get enough of it. It is stunning. Just trust me, just do it!

Marriage is not a question of gender, but of love. 

I'm so happy to hear about the US ruling gay marriage legal! 
Such a fantastic news! Hope it comes to be legalized in all parts of the world.